The brain has 40 quadrillion–that’s right 40 followed by fifteen zeros–possible connections. Nothing our brains do is simple. No perception or behavior fires from one place. When the right connections fire over and over, people can achieve amazing things.
When you want more of something, and you want it more consistently, you have to build pathways. You have to create experiences that become ingrained because all the research shows that once we have habits as people, we stick with them (and it takes major trauma like death or threat of death to cause us to change).
This is why your words are so important. The tone you use, the frames you repeat, the validations you offer to prove to your teammate that she matters: Every communication either builds a pattern that produces achievement or creates dysfunctional behavior that gets in the way.
You want to like going to work again? Stay married? Reconcile with that person who you hurt or hurt you? Me too. That’s why I research, practice, write about and teach the things no one taught us anywhere between kindergarten and grad school. I went to Harvard: This is not taught. And if it were, I might not have made so many messes. If it were, could enough relationships get stronger, produce the results people want, and make our world a better place to live?
If you know how someone communicates, if you pay attention to the right words to connect with them, you can always make the relationship better. They may not be your best friend again and things may not go back to the way they used to be, but you can start over.
I teach communication because it was hard for me to learn. I struggled to learn how to read and I stuttered a bit as a child. It took me 15 years to not shake every time I spoke in public and I still get nervous every time; but now I know what to do about it. I want all aspects of communication to be easier for all of us. Every day I’m working on new ways to simplify the methods, make them addictive like coffee, and memorable so you can use them immediately. What I’m trying to do with my teammates is nearly impossible: That’s why it worth doing, and continues to be our life’s work.
So here’s the secret to exercising your brain so your communication pathways become freeways towards a better life: Build deep, consistent patterns in your brain so that every word comes out on purpose. I’m not saying stiff or forced; I mean intentional. Practice and practice and practice. I’m an improv guy. I love to riff and rant and when I speak the same material never comes out the same way. And, it is always focused, engaging, and affirming because I’ve practiced so many times I know I can impact anyone I get the privilege to connect with.
The same thing is true at home. Practice listening and speaking in a way that makes the people you love feel good. Pay attention to what they need and tell them what you hope for.
Want to talk more: Send me a note at jon@whyilead.org. I love talking to anyone who is curious because it’s always a chance for us to get better at communicating, and every conversation between people who care about this stuff makes our worlds a better place to live and our brains a little more ready for the next moment communication will make the difference.
