And Ethan will be on Fox 25 News this Sunday Night in the Boston Area.  Check him out at 10 PM.  The story is about Facebook and Communication.

“We’re sorry for the massive disruption it’s caused to their lives,” Hayward said.”There’s no one who wants this thing over more than I do, I’d like my life back.”

That’s what former BP Chief Tony Hayward said.  What’s wrong with it?

Now watch it.

He was apologizing, and his apology was about him.  I assume he was trying to make a personal connection to listeners, to say that he was feeling pain too, and his statement was so absurdly unaware that it ruined his ethos (his credibility) forever.

The oil spill is entirely awful.  Without going into what could have been done to prevent it, a leader’s job in disaster is to get the right people in place to heal the brokenness.  Part of that is connecting with the people in desperate need.  Plain and simple, it’s all about them.

It’s really hard to say the right thing when everything is going wrong; but people will forgive the wrong words if your spirit is right.  Watch the tape again.  His spirit is the problem.

To connect with people takes an attitude that focuses entirely on the needs of the people you serve.  Leaders:  It’s not about you.  What is about you is paying attention to what you think and feel, focusing your energy on caring for your people,  and then communicating with intention to make sure they get what they need.  One of the things they need:  Your caring, and evidence in how you communicate that shows you really want to make things right–especially when situations are so bad that everything will be wrong for quite a while.

I’ve had the privilege to help clean up after hurricanes Hugo and Katrina.  I’ve worked with people in crisis since I began my career in public service.  As I’ve worked on communication with the spectrum of organizations from political to professional to corporate, I’ve learned something essential:  The people who prepare for the things that will go wrong live better lives.

Not only do they have the ability to take care of themselves, they have the resources to support others and have the biggest impact on the situations that need leadership.  What they all know how to do is communicate clearly when things go wrong.

Think of the people you work with every day.  Are they ready for the angry client, the production error, or the internal, relational crisis that will happen no matter how hard you work to prevent it?

Think of your community.  Is it prepared with people who know how to keep people safe, calm, and direct them in times of disaster?

Most people freeze and lose their confidence during a crisis because they don’t know what to say and do in those moments.  What would happen if the people at your workplace and where you live had the words and the action plan, to lead when the unusual strikes?

When preparing how to communicate and act during a disaster is a regular part of every day, everyone communicates better on ordinary days, and, on the rare and vital days when the way people communicate decides the future of of our world, you will be ready.

I understand people a lot better today than I did 30 years ago. Back then, I was more impressed with people who were very articulate. In many companies, the person who talks the best usually gets the job. I got snowed by a few of those people over the years. I still think communication is important, but I don’t think there’s always a correlation between being a great communicator and other virtues that make for a great leader.

Here’s what is really important about his comment:  A person who stumbles over his words, who isn’t the smoothest communicator, and has great character:  That’s who Mackey hires now.

I totally agree, and at the same time, his statement that there is not a correlation between being a great communicator and other virtues that make a great leader is risky.  If you’re not a great communicator, people won’t follow you.  If you’re a great communicator,

• You can validate your people so they always feel valued, even when you disagree with them.
• You can frame conversations so no time is wasted.
• You can read communication tendencies to build a connection quickly.
• You know how to motivate people by speaking to what motivates them.

If a leader can’t communicate, people will be confused by what he says and what he means, even if his character is unquestionable.

Character is essential and people give great people the benefit of the doubt.  But unless leaders can communicate effectively, they can’t produce results through other people.

The excitement about this project has been really fun, and we have a problem.

What we keep finding is that people who are doing some of the best leadership don’t consider themselves leaders.  Other leaders are so busy they don’t have time to reflect.  We’re asking folks to answer a few questions and write 250 words or less on why you lead.  The one-pager is causing folks who do consider themselves leaders another problem:  They’ve never thought about it.

That’s the first reason we started this study.  We want today’s leaders to reflect, to appreciate the powerful work they are doing, and to help them focus their energy in a time when so many people are exhausted by the leader’s daily grind.

We also started the study for the next generation.  We want to know the core reasons leaders are motivated to do the difficult work our world needs accomplished; why they take on challenges no one else can or will.  The next generation of leaders needs to know why today’s leaders have fought so hard, so they can rise up too.

A leader is someone who wants to get things done.  They are the person who, even when others won’t, takes responsibility.  A leader is a person who sees opportunities and helps a group of people seize them.  A leader can lead at work, in her community, and at home.  Get your daughter’s girl scout troop to enjoy selling their cookies?  You’re a leader.  Help your neighborhood stay safe by organizing a watch program?  You lead.  Make sure that project at work that’s been holding everyone up gets completed (even if you don’t get the credit)?  You are a leader.

Go to whyilead.org and tell us “Why?”

Thursday I’ll be leading off the Mayors of Massachusetts Spring meeting before they meet with the candidates for Governor.  It’s always a treat to work with great leaders who are hungry to learn!

Your unique perspective, whether you clean the floors or run the organization, has value and the people making the decisions need you.  They may not know it.  They can’t know it unless you tell them.

In the last few days I’ve had a 2 CEOs, an NCAA coach, and a Head of Learning all be surprised at the way people on their teams or in their organizations had behaved.  All four said almost the same thing, “This is so obvious, why don’t they get it?”

I asked, “Did you tell them?”

They all said, “No, they should know this.”

I asked, “Really?”

They said, “Oh.”

People say, “Yes” to you because they either don’t know or don’t want to make you uncomfortable.  People act like they understand and everything is just fine because they don’t want to add drama to workplaces and organizations that already feel more frenzied than ever before.

If you don’t say what you see that can:

• Make things better
• Change the game
• Heal conflict
• Strengthen relationships

It won’t happen.  The secret:  Ask questions from which their answers prove they know what is so clear to you.

When you want more of something, and you want it more consistently, you have to build pathways.  You have to create experiences that become ingrained because all the research shows that once we have habits as people, we stick with them (and it takes major trauma like death or threat of death to cause us to change).

This is why your words are so important.  The tone you use, the frames you repeat, the validations you offer to prove to your teammate that she matters:  Every communication either builds a pattern that produces achievement or creates dysfunctional behavior that gets in the way.

You want to like going to work again?  Stay married?  Reconcile with that person who you hurt or hurt you?  Me too.  That’s why I research, practice, write about and teach the things no one taught us anywhere between kindergarten and grad school.  I went to Harvard:  This is not taught.  And if it were, I might not have made so many messes.  If it were, could enough relationships get stronger, produce the results people want, and make our world a better place to live?

If you know how someone communicates,  if you pay attention to the right words to connect with them, you can always make the relationship better.  They may not be your best friend again and things may not go back to the way they used to be, but you can start over.

I teach communication because it was hard for me to learn.  I struggled to learn how to read and I stuttered a bit as a child.  It took me 15 years to not shake every time I spoke in public and I still get nervous every time; but now I know what to do about it.  I want all aspects of communication to be easier for all of us.  Every day I’m working on new ways to simplify the methods, make them addictive like coffee, and memorable so you can use them immediately.  What I’m trying to do with my teammates is nearly impossible:  That’s why it worth doing, and continues to be our life’s work.

So here’s the secret to exercising your brain so your communication pathways become freeways towards a better life:  Build deep, consistent patterns in your brain so that every word comes out on purpose.  I’m not saying stiff or forced; I mean intentional.  Practice and practice and practice.  I’m an improv guy.  I love to riff and rant and when I speak the same material never comes out the same way.  And, it is always focused, engaging, and affirming because I’ve practiced so many times I know I can impact anyone I get the privilege to connect with.

The same thing is true at home.  Practice listening and speaking in a way that makes the people you love feel good.  Pay attention to what they need and tell them what you hope for.

Want to talk more:  Send me a note at jon@whyilead.org.  I love talking to anyone who is curious because it’s always a chance for us to get better at communicating, and every conversation between people who care about this stuff makes our worlds a better place to live and our brains a little more ready for the next moment communication will make the difference.

What most people forget:  Being a leader is painful.

Leaders are the ones who keep teams together when everything falls apart.  Leaders make sacrifices so the ultimate goal is reached.  Leaders take the blame, the responsibility, and on the good days, the best leaders give the credit to their team so good keeps happening.

The most important question in leadership too few people have answered:  Why?

Why do you lead?  What gets you up in the morning on the worst days so you keep leading when others quit?

We want to know.  Here’s your chance to tell the world.  The think tank, the research juggernaut, the exploration of the core motivation of leaders all over the world begins now.  www.whyilead.org.

Whether the other person is

• Fixed in his attitude or ideas,
• She has had the kind of bad day where only a good night sleep or a month of vacation will let her relax,
• Or in the worst cases, the person’s brain chemicals are misfiring like an engine with a worn spark plug,

Sometimes, all you can do is box up that conversation and put it on your shelf of lessons learned.

You may think you can communicate with anybody.  You may believe that your verbal kung fu (kung fu originally meant “achievement through great effort” and could apply to any skill; not just martial arts) is so strong that you’ll attempt the same fruitless techniques to win the other person over.  You may believe you have to come to common ground to stay in a relationship with the person.

The worst thing you can do when you run into a person who is stuck, tired, or mentally ill:  argue.  He will always win because he won’t stop arguing.  You can try and please her, and she will yell at you.  If she is in a funk, it is the funk speaking and no reason or emotional life jacket will help her rise back to reality.

There is another option.

Say little, or nothing.  Sometimes the best communication is to wait.  If you have to speak, ask the question that clarifies what you need from the other person.  Ask only that question and then wait.

The person may not be able to give you what you need.  Or, they may wake up.  They may go home and rest (or sleep on the couch), and have a clear head in the morning.  Sometimes someone just forgot to take their medicine, and when they do, you recognize the person you know and trust the next time you see her and you start over.

Sometimes everything goes back to normal with a little time off.  Other times, it’s time for a change.  When verbal kung fu fails, waiting can help you know what to do next.